Post by Overlord Omega on Jan 24, 2008 22:00:38 GMT -6
The original title of this peice was "Have the Germans Learned their Lesson Yet?" but that was too much to fit on the subject bar. It's a pseudo-report-esque thing that I was going to give to Mrs. Beiver at the end of the semester, but vetoed it because It had alot of Nazi jokes in it, and thay may or may not offend her.
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Being Irish, I guess I have no right to call on other Nationalities' faults, as we're a pretty screwed up bunch ourselves. But of all the European countries that have made "screw-it-up-for-the-rest-of-the-world" mistakes, the Germans take the cake. Take for example, World War One. The leader of Germany, Keiser Wilheim II gets this grand notion that it's a good idea to help out Austria-Hungary win it's argument with Serbia.
This was their first mistake. you see, Serbia is a relitively small, powerless, unimportant county, and the Austria-Hungarians could have easily elected a new leader after the archduke's assasination, and kicked Serbia's ass without breaking much of a sweat all by themselves. But you see, those nosy little Germans, out of sheer boredom, decided to lend their buddies help that they didn't need. In truth, the German's part in the despute between Serbia and Ausrtia-Hungary was more or less baking nice little strudel-kukens for them.
However, Serbia was unaware of this because Germany was such a big hary-scary country and most Serbians had never even heard of "strudel-kukens". So they went whining over to France, and they're all like, "Waaaaaaaaaaaaa! No fair! Austria-Hungary is getting help from the Germans and we're all alone and we're gonna get slaughtered!"
And France just glances down on them and says, "Yeah? So? You were going to get slaughtered anyway."
But Serbia just wrinkles it's nose at France and says, "Yeah... well Germany's making these things called "strudel-kukens", and Austria-Hungary is reeeeeaaly happy about it for some reason." And France jumps a foot in the air and shouts, "STRUDEL-KUKENS?! What's that? it sounds like some kinda commie weapon or something. You're gonna need more help then we thought. Sure we'll help, and we'll bring along our friends, America, Britain and Australia."
So now Serbia's all high and mighty because they have all these high and mighty countries on their side, and they're threatening to smoke Austria-Hungary.
When Austria-Hungary hears about this, they're quite utterly pissed off at Germany. "GODDAMMIT, GERMANY! Look what you did! Now WE'RE gonna get our asses kicked! Fuck!" So they go and knock on Italy's door begging for help. Fortunatley for their sorry asses, Italy agrees.
"Mama mia! You poor Austria-Hungarian bastards! You're a-gonna get a squished-a like a bug-a!"
Course, by now the whole worlds' at war.
When this mess is finally sorted out, Austria-Hungary is now UBER PISSED at Germany, and they blame them for loosing the war. They are also pissed at themselves for letting Germany help in the first place and split apart into several different unimportant Slavic nations.
Meanwhile, the rest of the world is also pissed at Germany, so they take it's military away and send it to it's room. Now that Germany has no friends, it becomes a very isolated nation for about 20 years. (Most of this time is spent trying to figure out why it is the whole world hates them.)
Then, out of nowhere, some German guy named Hitler (who wasn't even German) jumped up and said "Hey! I know! They're all mad at us because they're JEALOUS of us and how AWESOME we are!"
Now Germany, at this point, is willing to belive anything that's said to them because they've gone so long without friends. So they say, "Wow! This guy sounds like he knows what he's talking about! Let's give him unlimited power and take everything he says REEEEEAAAL SERIOUSLY!"
So then Hitler goes and rallies up a bunch of beaten-down, self-concious Germans left over from World War One, and tells them that if they're reeeeaal good and help him take over the world, he'll give them each a small eraser in the shape of a soccer ball. And the Germans are thinking "Who are we as red-blooded Germans to refuse THAT offer?!"
So for the next few years, Hitler amasses a huge new military and once again, Germany becomes a huge global threat. Of course, by the time the rest of the world notices, Germany's military has become even larger because they spent good time and money threatening smaller, less-important countries like Denmark into submisson and stealing their militaries as well.
So this problem takes a while to weed out, but eventually Hitler turns out to be a crackpot nutcase who had no idea what he was talking about and committs suicide. The Germans then realize how stupid and naieve they were to listen to this guy, not only because he was a half-crazy rasist lunatic, but because he never had any soccer ball erasers to give them. The whole thing was a scam!"
And they gey their military confenscated AGAIN.
So as a result, the Germans become pissed at each other and don't even want to see one another, so they build this huge wall right smack dab in the middle of Germany.
So there's my rant. It's not historically accurate, but in a way, it makes more sence than anything our teacher tells us.
DAS ENDE.
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Being Irish, I guess I have no right to call on other Nationalities' faults, as we're a pretty screwed up bunch ourselves. But of all the European countries that have made "screw-it-up-for-the-rest-of-the-world" mistakes, the Germans take the cake. Take for example, World War One. The leader of Germany, Keiser Wilheim II gets this grand notion that it's a good idea to help out Austria-Hungary win it's argument with Serbia.
This was their first mistake. you see, Serbia is a relitively small, powerless, unimportant county, and the Austria-Hungarians could have easily elected a new leader after the archduke's assasination, and kicked Serbia's ass without breaking much of a sweat all by themselves. But you see, those nosy little Germans, out of sheer boredom, decided to lend their buddies help that they didn't need. In truth, the German's part in the despute between Serbia and Ausrtia-Hungary was more or less baking nice little strudel-kukens for them.
However, Serbia was unaware of this because Germany was such a big hary-scary country and most Serbians had never even heard of "strudel-kukens". So they went whining over to France, and they're all like, "Waaaaaaaaaaaaa! No fair! Austria-Hungary is getting help from the Germans and we're all alone and we're gonna get slaughtered!"
And France just glances down on them and says, "Yeah? So? You were going to get slaughtered anyway."
But Serbia just wrinkles it's nose at France and says, "Yeah... well Germany's making these things called "strudel-kukens", and Austria-Hungary is reeeeeaaly happy about it for some reason." And France jumps a foot in the air and shouts, "STRUDEL-KUKENS?! What's that? it sounds like some kinda commie weapon or something. You're gonna need more help then we thought. Sure we'll help, and we'll bring along our friends, America, Britain and Australia."
So now Serbia's all high and mighty because they have all these high and mighty countries on their side, and they're threatening to smoke Austria-Hungary.
When Austria-Hungary hears about this, they're quite utterly pissed off at Germany. "GODDAMMIT, GERMANY! Look what you did! Now WE'RE gonna get our asses kicked! Fuck!" So they go and knock on Italy's door begging for help. Fortunatley for their sorry asses, Italy agrees.
"Mama mia! You poor Austria-Hungarian bastards! You're a-gonna get a squished-a like a bug-a!"
Course, by now the whole worlds' at war.
When this mess is finally sorted out, Austria-Hungary is now UBER PISSED at Germany, and they blame them for loosing the war. They are also pissed at themselves for letting Germany help in the first place and split apart into several different unimportant Slavic nations.
Meanwhile, the rest of the world is also pissed at Germany, so they take it's military away and send it to it's room. Now that Germany has no friends, it becomes a very isolated nation for about 20 years. (Most of this time is spent trying to figure out why it is the whole world hates them.)
Then, out of nowhere, some German guy named Hitler (who wasn't even German) jumped up and said "Hey! I know! They're all mad at us because they're JEALOUS of us and how AWESOME we are!"
Now Germany, at this point, is willing to belive anything that's said to them because they've gone so long without friends. So they say, "Wow! This guy sounds like he knows what he's talking about! Let's give him unlimited power and take everything he says REEEEEAAAL SERIOUSLY!"
So then Hitler goes and rallies up a bunch of beaten-down, self-concious Germans left over from World War One, and tells them that if they're reeeeaal good and help him take over the world, he'll give them each a small eraser in the shape of a soccer ball. And the Germans are thinking "Who are we as red-blooded Germans to refuse THAT offer?!"
So for the next few years, Hitler amasses a huge new military and once again, Germany becomes a huge global threat. Of course, by the time the rest of the world notices, Germany's military has become even larger because they spent good time and money threatening smaller, less-important countries like Denmark into submisson and stealing their militaries as well.
So this problem takes a while to weed out, but eventually Hitler turns out to be a crackpot nutcase who had no idea what he was talking about and committs suicide. The Germans then realize how stupid and naieve they were to listen to this guy, not only because he was a half-crazy rasist lunatic, but because he never had any soccer ball erasers to give them. The whole thing was a scam!"
And they gey their military confenscated AGAIN.
So as a result, the Germans become pissed at each other and don't even want to see one another, so they build this huge wall right smack dab in the middle of Germany.
So there's my rant. It's not historically accurate, but in a way, it makes more sence than anything our teacher tells us.
DAS ENDE.