Post by Overlord Delta on Jun 9, 2008 16:10:27 GMT -6
The Formation of Snake Creek and the Mississippi River
And the Destruction of El’ Dorado
Myth
Once upon a time when bald people ruled the earth is not part of our story, so we’ll just tell you what really happened.
Once upon a time in the noir’ish land of Japan, the Fujibiyami clan was desperate for more creative and heart warming foods besides rice balls. A samurai known as Bartholomew, (Yes we know that Bartholomew isn’t a Japanese name,) hypothesized a brainstorm, but would it work? His idea was to bring cabbage to his clan and entertain their hunger for more appealing delicacies. There was one problem though, the current emperor of Japan was a gluttonous, greedy dictator who ravaged the land for all cabbages not yet his own, and kept them all for himself! If there was any hope for Bartholomew’ plan to be successful, it was outside the boundaries of Japan, so he mediated to his clan to beg them to build a ship that was seaworthy enough to flee to another country. The Fujibiyami clan agreed. They built a great ship, the Magnum Magnate, that started it endeavor on November 27th, 1539. The voyage was harsh with many a turbulent maelstrom in their path, but this did not belay their enthusiasm at all. No obstacle could get in their way, for their motivation to devour cabbage was equal to that of the Gods. Eventually, though, they ran out of food and supplies, and had to resort to eating sawdust. They hadn’t a chance to survive.
Bartholomew was out of sawdust one day, so instead, through his hunger he stole some from one of his fellow clan members. While hiding in the hold of the Magnum Magnate he heard a crash outside.
There was a regal man outside with the fanciest mask Bartholomew had ever seen in his entire life. It had light blue eye pieces with a silver and gold area by the mouth. The man had also had a colorful sheath tightened to his back. The whole thing was basically steel. The man had also a colorful sheath tightened to his back. “I need celery/carrots…NOW!!!... please…” were the first word spoken from his mouth.
“Uhhh…“ Bartholomew thought of what to say, “who the heck are you? “
“What? How rude. My name is Elliot, Captain Elliot to you, and I come from a land where carrots and celery are the same thing, and that land is… CANADA!!! “
Random gasps choked around the crowd when Bartholomew spoke, “Carrots and celery, as the same thing? IMPOSSIBLE! “
“It’s not impossible, at least not in CANADA!!! “
“Awesome,” Bartholomew replied while leaning on a mast pillar, “ screw the cabbage, let’s get some carrots/celery!!! “
And so the entire crew agreed with cheers and hoorays. That is how Captain Elliot allied himself with the Fujibiyami clan. The boat continued on piercing through the waves with unbenounced power seemingly coming from nowhere. Only later would the crew elaborate that it came from Captain Elliot’s mask.
When the ship finally reached shore on what would later become California, the crew was exhausted. Luckily enough, all Native Americans were secretly taught how to speak Japanese for no apparent reason. Corn was handed to them as gifts as though they were Gods. The Indians were quite altruistic so the Fujibiyami clan was on their way quickly after they arrived. After a very long and cacophonous vagabondage, they finally reached their destination… kind of.
“We’re finally here, “exclaimed Bartholomew with great zealousness, “Canada!“
“ No, “ Captain Elliot lamented, “ this is just Wabasha County, it’s not the funkiest place in the world, it is ruled over by a cantankerous dictator known only as the Hobo Snake King! “
“Wait, if he’s a hobo, how come he’s the king?”
“Because he’s the only bioform there, so he’s automatically the king.”
“That’s dumb.”
“Tell me about it.”
At that very moment a colorful cylinder fell from the heaven’s directly in front of Bartholomew’s current position.
“Huh?” Bartholomew discombobulated, “What the heck is this?” He lifted the cylinder and opened slowly and cautiously. When it was finally completely opened nothing happened, this angered Bartholomew. “What the heck!? That was chea…” And so the fraudulent toy snakes harmlessly flew out of the can, or so Captain Elliot thought.
“Help me!!!” Bartholomew articulated, “These stupid snakes have been tangled all around me!!!”
“This must be the work of the Hobo Snake King, so we can’t remove the curse unless the snake king is dead. “Don’t worry, for I, Captain Elliot will save you!!!”
“Yeah whatever… what are you waiting for! You can defeat him on your own, can’t you?!? “
“I could, but instead I’ll harness the power of the great fish Titanwynkel to throw at him with my bare hands! “
“Wouldn’t it be easier just to defeat him…normally?”
“It would, but then it wouldn’t be as fun, now would it?”
“Whatever……who the heck is Titanwynkel!!!”
“Once upon a time in the Mississippi Ocean, there was a great flaming catfish named Titanwynkel, and nobody cared! Poor Titanwynkel… He was ignored for centuries because nobody cared, until now that is, for I, Captain Elliot, will save him and throw him at the Hobo Snake King!”
“Will you be quiet and save me already!”
“Okay fine,” Captain Elliot began to speak to the populace of the clan, “I need a really big ship immediately!!!”
For the next few days the Fujibiyami clan worked tirelessly to build a large enough ship to please Captain Eliot’s need, but to no avail, so Captain Elliot decided to wear floaties instead. He looked quite strange the day he went out to the Mississippi Ocean, with both that weird mask and those oversized air bubbles on his shoulders, but nonetheless he went out looking funky and stylish. A few minutes later when he was a good few feet out into the deeper waters he saw the silhouette of a giant fish beneath him. He only later realized that he was under the same fish for the entire time!
He quickly unearthed his sword from its previous resting place and plunged it into the foul nemesis’ soon-to-be cadaver. With no luck he retrieved his blade and returned to the surface for breath. Another attempt followed the last beginning a chain of failures on Captain Elliot’s part. Finally he abdicated to the shore.
With the clan members eating steak muffins at another location he was alone once again. One more glance back at the Ocean would mean he truly failed, but he couldn’t just walk away. The monstrosity manced as Captain Elliot glared solemnly at its leviathanesque whiskers and feared they may be the final thought he could ever think.
Captain Elliot had to not stand there for very long before the beast opened its great gaping maw to devour him whole, or so he thought. It, instead, began to speak, “Heayo whazello in da hiz house, yo! Yo funky-dude, why are yo so yo-yo?”
Captain Eliot knew not how to respond, “Uhh… I don’t think I’m yi-yo-yeee,… or whatever you just called me.”
“ Heayo whazzup wit dat, I didn’t funk yo out, did I? Yo just be’in unfunkidelic, aren’t yo?”
At that very moment Titanwynkel suffered from tremendously severe heart burns from cheese-covered headgear and died with glory… kind of. Captain Elliot mythically lifted the corpse and carried it back to the Fujibiyami pavilion. Without the mass of Titanwynkel’s body in the Ocean it receded to river.
Everything was atramentous and dark… Captain Elliot sluggishly opened one eye one after another. He was located on a bed in a tent. Was it all a dream?
A Japanese soldier entered the tent, “Ellio…err…I mean Captain Elliot, you’ve been asleep for twelve minutes, are you okay?”
“I’m fine, what happened to me?”
“You were hit in the head by enemy forces.”
“But we weren’t fighting enemy forces!”
“Oh yeah, I just hit you in the head with a big stick, I forgot.”
After a long dispute between Captain Elliot and the random soldier he continued some how carrying Titanwynkel to the Snake Creek, where the Hobo Snake King dwelled.
Finally he reached his destination, but it was just plain barren land. The Hobo Snake King emerged from a cardboard box, which was the only landform in sight. The Hobo Snake King wore a great puke-green robe that covered most of his body. There was a separate snake head growing from his left shoulder.
His voice was hoarse, but he had no illness, “That be Titanwynkel you be carryin’, ain’t it?
“No way!” his snake head argued, “that’ssssssssssss totally that Captain Elliot we’ve been hearin’ bout’!”
I know that it be Captain Elliot, I was talkin’ bout’ da thing he’s a carryin’!”
“Sorry,” Captain Elliot intervened, “to interrupt you, but good-bye!”
The half-second when that giant flamin’ catfish was in the air was said to be the longest half-second ever, and when it ended the snake king was near death. The ground underneath broke way with the immense weight of Titanwynkel, and its spleen juices turned into what would later be known as Snake Creek.
As the Hobo Snake King condescended he stated his last few words, “Stay in school.”
His snake head continued where he left off, “And don’t do drugsssssssssssssss.”
And so Bartholomew was saved and… actually that’s about all. The Fujibiyami clan created the golden city of El’ Dorado, which was later destroyed by the angry soul of an angry random Canadian. And that ends our recollection of when bald people did not rule the Earth.
THE END
And the Destruction of El’ Dorado
Myth
Once upon a time when bald people ruled the earth is not part of our story, so we’ll just tell you what really happened.
Once upon a time in the noir’ish land of Japan, the Fujibiyami clan was desperate for more creative and heart warming foods besides rice balls. A samurai known as Bartholomew, (Yes we know that Bartholomew isn’t a Japanese name,) hypothesized a brainstorm, but would it work? His idea was to bring cabbage to his clan and entertain their hunger for more appealing delicacies. There was one problem though, the current emperor of Japan was a gluttonous, greedy dictator who ravaged the land for all cabbages not yet his own, and kept them all for himself! If there was any hope for Bartholomew’ plan to be successful, it was outside the boundaries of Japan, so he mediated to his clan to beg them to build a ship that was seaworthy enough to flee to another country. The Fujibiyami clan agreed. They built a great ship, the Magnum Magnate, that started it endeavor on November 27th, 1539. The voyage was harsh with many a turbulent maelstrom in their path, but this did not belay their enthusiasm at all. No obstacle could get in their way, for their motivation to devour cabbage was equal to that of the Gods. Eventually, though, they ran out of food and supplies, and had to resort to eating sawdust. They hadn’t a chance to survive.
Bartholomew was out of sawdust one day, so instead, through his hunger he stole some from one of his fellow clan members. While hiding in the hold of the Magnum Magnate he heard a crash outside.
There was a regal man outside with the fanciest mask Bartholomew had ever seen in his entire life. It had light blue eye pieces with a silver and gold area by the mouth. The man had also had a colorful sheath tightened to his back. The whole thing was basically steel. The man had also a colorful sheath tightened to his back. “I need celery/carrots…NOW!!!... please…” were the first word spoken from his mouth.
“Uhhh…“ Bartholomew thought of what to say, “who the heck are you? “
“What? How rude. My name is Elliot, Captain Elliot to you, and I come from a land where carrots and celery are the same thing, and that land is… CANADA!!! “
Random gasps choked around the crowd when Bartholomew spoke, “Carrots and celery, as the same thing? IMPOSSIBLE! “
“It’s not impossible, at least not in CANADA!!! “
“Awesome,” Bartholomew replied while leaning on a mast pillar, “ screw the cabbage, let’s get some carrots/celery!!! “
And so the entire crew agreed with cheers and hoorays. That is how Captain Elliot allied himself with the Fujibiyami clan. The boat continued on piercing through the waves with unbenounced power seemingly coming from nowhere. Only later would the crew elaborate that it came from Captain Elliot’s mask.
When the ship finally reached shore on what would later become California, the crew was exhausted. Luckily enough, all Native Americans were secretly taught how to speak Japanese for no apparent reason. Corn was handed to them as gifts as though they were Gods. The Indians were quite altruistic so the Fujibiyami clan was on their way quickly after they arrived. After a very long and cacophonous vagabondage, they finally reached their destination… kind of.
“We’re finally here, “exclaimed Bartholomew with great zealousness, “Canada!“
“ No, “ Captain Elliot lamented, “ this is just Wabasha County, it’s not the funkiest place in the world, it is ruled over by a cantankerous dictator known only as the Hobo Snake King! “
“Wait, if he’s a hobo, how come he’s the king?”
“Because he’s the only bioform there, so he’s automatically the king.”
“That’s dumb.”
“Tell me about it.”
At that very moment a colorful cylinder fell from the heaven’s directly in front of Bartholomew’s current position.
“Huh?” Bartholomew discombobulated, “What the heck is this?” He lifted the cylinder and opened slowly and cautiously. When it was finally completely opened nothing happened, this angered Bartholomew. “What the heck!? That was chea…” And so the fraudulent toy snakes harmlessly flew out of the can, or so Captain Elliot thought.
“Help me!!!” Bartholomew articulated, “These stupid snakes have been tangled all around me!!!”
“This must be the work of the Hobo Snake King, so we can’t remove the curse unless the snake king is dead. “Don’t worry, for I, Captain Elliot will save you!!!”
“Yeah whatever… what are you waiting for! You can defeat him on your own, can’t you?!? “
“I could, but instead I’ll harness the power of the great fish Titanwynkel to throw at him with my bare hands! “
“Wouldn’t it be easier just to defeat him…normally?”
“It would, but then it wouldn’t be as fun, now would it?”
“Whatever……who the heck is Titanwynkel!!!”
“Once upon a time in the Mississippi Ocean, there was a great flaming catfish named Titanwynkel, and nobody cared! Poor Titanwynkel… He was ignored for centuries because nobody cared, until now that is, for I, Captain Elliot, will save him and throw him at the Hobo Snake King!”
“Will you be quiet and save me already!”
“Okay fine,” Captain Elliot began to speak to the populace of the clan, “I need a really big ship immediately!!!”
For the next few days the Fujibiyami clan worked tirelessly to build a large enough ship to please Captain Eliot’s need, but to no avail, so Captain Elliot decided to wear floaties instead. He looked quite strange the day he went out to the Mississippi Ocean, with both that weird mask and those oversized air bubbles on his shoulders, but nonetheless he went out looking funky and stylish. A few minutes later when he was a good few feet out into the deeper waters he saw the silhouette of a giant fish beneath him. He only later realized that he was under the same fish for the entire time!
He quickly unearthed his sword from its previous resting place and plunged it into the foul nemesis’ soon-to-be cadaver. With no luck he retrieved his blade and returned to the surface for breath. Another attempt followed the last beginning a chain of failures on Captain Elliot’s part. Finally he abdicated to the shore.
With the clan members eating steak muffins at another location he was alone once again. One more glance back at the Ocean would mean he truly failed, but he couldn’t just walk away. The monstrosity manced as Captain Elliot glared solemnly at its leviathanesque whiskers and feared they may be the final thought he could ever think.
Captain Elliot had to not stand there for very long before the beast opened its great gaping maw to devour him whole, or so he thought. It, instead, began to speak, “Heayo whazello in da hiz house, yo! Yo funky-dude, why are yo so yo-yo?”
Captain Eliot knew not how to respond, “Uhh… I don’t think I’m yi-yo-yeee,… or whatever you just called me.”
“ Heayo whazzup wit dat, I didn’t funk yo out, did I? Yo just be’in unfunkidelic, aren’t yo?”
At that very moment Titanwynkel suffered from tremendously severe heart burns from cheese-covered headgear and died with glory… kind of. Captain Elliot mythically lifted the corpse and carried it back to the Fujibiyami pavilion. Without the mass of Titanwynkel’s body in the Ocean it receded to river.
Everything was atramentous and dark… Captain Elliot sluggishly opened one eye one after another. He was located on a bed in a tent. Was it all a dream?
A Japanese soldier entered the tent, “Ellio…err…I mean Captain Elliot, you’ve been asleep for twelve minutes, are you okay?”
“I’m fine, what happened to me?”
“You were hit in the head by enemy forces.”
“But we weren’t fighting enemy forces!”
“Oh yeah, I just hit you in the head with a big stick, I forgot.”
After a long dispute between Captain Elliot and the random soldier he continued some how carrying Titanwynkel to the Snake Creek, where the Hobo Snake King dwelled.
Finally he reached his destination, but it was just plain barren land. The Hobo Snake King emerged from a cardboard box, which was the only landform in sight. The Hobo Snake King wore a great puke-green robe that covered most of his body. There was a separate snake head growing from his left shoulder.
His voice was hoarse, but he had no illness, “That be Titanwynkel you be carryin’, ain’t it?
“No way!” his snake head argued, “that’ssssssssssss totally that Captain Elliot we’ve been hearin’ bout’!”
I know that it be Captain Elliot, I was talkin’ bout’ da thing he’s a carryin’!”
“Sorry,” Captain Elliot intervened, “to interrupt you, but good-bye!”
The half-second when that giant flamin’ catfish was in the air was said to be the longest half-second ever, and when it ended the snake king was near death. The ground underneath broke way with the immense weight of Titanwynkel, and its spleen juices turned into what would later be known as Snake Creek.
As the Hobo Snake King condescended he stated his last few words, “Stay in school.”
His snake head continued where he left off, “And don’t do drugsssssssssssssss.”
And so Bartholomew was saved and… actually that’s about all. The Fujibiyami clan created the golden city of El’ Dorado, which was later destroyed by the angry soul of an angry random Canadian. And that ends our recollection of when bald people did not rule the Earth.
THE END
